


He Used To Smile

by images_words



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Bottom Loki (Marvel), Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Friend, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Has His Own Kind of Magic, Cats, Depressed Loki (Marvel), Evil Odin (Marvel), Fluff and Angst, Implied Mpreg, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loki (Marvel) Angst, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki Has Panic Attacks, Lots of Bon Jovi References, M/M, Most of the Asgardians are Assholes, Multi, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Odin Does Not, Odin is a dick, Protective Steve Rogers, Self-Harm, Sort Of, Steve the Therapist, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Has A Heart, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 00:25:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14390256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/images_words/pseuds/images_words
Summary: Loki used to smile.Really smile, the kind of smile that made his whole face light up with joy.At least, that's what Thor said.Tony wasn't sure he believed it.





	1. Chapter 1

"Anthony."  
Tony Stark looked up at the sound of his name. He laughed. Of course it was Loki. Only Loki used his full name. "Hey."  
He saw the ghost of a smile playing at the Asgardian's lips, but, as always, it never grew into something real. Tony didn't think he had ever seen Loki truly smile. He probably never would. Thor said he used to, when they were children. That Loki had a smile that could light up a room, a contagious sort of happiness. How Tony wished he could see that smile...  
"Anthony? Did you hear me?"  
"What?"  
Loki sighed. "What would you say if I told you I brought home a cat?"  
Not too long ago, Tony would have said to get rid of the thing. It wasn't that he didn't like cats; he just didn't particularly want to have one. But now... now he would do anything to see Loki smile. "We can keep it."  
Loki then produced a small black kitten from his pocket, and that little almost-smile played at his lips again.  
Bruce Banner stumbled into the room. "Please tell me you made coffee."  
"Well, technically Jarvis did, but yeah."  
"I-I'm going back to my room..." Loki turned around and left, taking the cat with him.  
Tony sighed. Loki always got like this around Bruce. He suspected it had something to do with a certain incident involving the Hulk... honestly, he couldn't blame him.  
Bruce sat down. "Tony, have you, uh... have you noticed anything... off ...about Loki?"  
"Yeah. He's Loki. I love him, but he's always off."  
"Fair enough..."  
Tony could hear the beginning of Hey God coming from Loki's room. He laughed and shook his head. "I don't know why I thought introducing him to Bon Jovi was a good idea."  
"It was a perfectly fine idea, you just forgot to introduce him to the volume button."  
"I'm pretty sure he does that on purpose. He likes to let me know when he's listening to something I recommended, because he knows it makes me happy. It's actually kinda cute."  
"Sure, it's cute. Livin' On a Prayer has been stuck in my head for three days because your boyfriend is 'cute.' I don't even like that song!"  
"If you don't like Livin' On a Prayer, it sounds like you might be the one with a problem."  
"Whatever. I'm gonna go hang out with Steve and Bucky. They might not be as 'cute' as Loki, but at least they know how to keep it down," Bruce said with a laugh as he left. As if the Asgardian had sensed his departure, the music turned off, and Loki peeked out of his room.  
"Is he gone?" he asked softly. Tony laughed.  
"Yes, he's gone. You really don't like him, do you?"  
Loki sat down on the couch beside Tony. "It's not that... I like him just fine. He's always been kind to me. But every time I see him, I get this weird feeling in my chest and I don't like it. I just start thinking about how good I am at pissing people off and what happened last time he was angry with me."  
"What do you mean, weird feeling? Describe it."  
"Like... like a tightness. And... when I try to breathe, it's like my lungs can't take in quite enough air. And I just want to run away."  
"Other than Bruce, has anyone or anything else made you feel that way?"  
"...Thanos." As soon as Loki said the name, Tony felt the Asgardian tense up, and heard him struggle to draw in a shaky breath that hitched in his throat. His brow furrowed in concern.  
"Loki?" They hadn't talked about Thanos before. He had used Loki, manipulated him through fear and empty promises, and Tony suspected that there was also more than a little mind control involved, though he couldn't be sure. "You okay?"  
"Y-yeah... I'm fine... I just... that feeling, I'm having it again..." That's when Tony noticed that Loki's hands were shaking, and instinctively took them in his own.  
"Just breathe, Loki. You're okay. You're having an anxiety attack, you just need to breathe." He heard Loki's breathing slowly return to normal, and his trembling hands steadied. "You okay now?"  
Loki nodded. "How do I make these anxiety attacks stop happening?"  
"Well, I might know how to make them stop happening around Bruce. You need to try to spend more time with him. I'll be there with you, of course. But you need to separate him in your mind from the Hulk, and the best way to do that is to get to know him."  
"O-okay..." Loki sighed. "I'm sorry, Anthony. I hate that I've allowed you to see me while I was so weak. It is... shameful."  
"Loki, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know you think it is, but it's not. Everybody gets scared, and plenty of people experience anxiety attacks. You just need to learn to work through it."


	2. Chapter 2

_**"HELP ME! PLEASE, SOMEBODY HELP ME!"**_  
Tony knew he would never get used to waking up to... that. No matter how many times it happened, listening to Loki's desperate screams never got easier. He got up, going into Loki's room.  
The Asgardian looked so small, sitting up in bed with his knees drawn up to his chest. Tony sat down beside him, wondering how a frost giant ended up looking like this. Loki was a small man, even by human standards, so slender that Tony was almost afraid he would be broken in two by the violent sobs wracking his fragile frame. His features were delicate and feminine, in such a way that just made him more beautiful, with soft lips and long eyelashes and defined cheekbones. Even his voice was small and timid, except when he was angry. And yet he was a child of the frost giants. It was no wonder they had cast him out; they probably saw his small stature and feminine face as signs of weakness.  
"Anthony." Loki's voice was weak. Tony gathered the Asgardian into his arms.  
"It's okay now, Loki. They can't hurt you anymore."   
"But they can... and they do. They wait behind my eyelids for me to be taken by sleep, and then they hurt me all over again." He choked back a sob. "They treated me as a woman, because I used magic, because I wept when I was sad, because I kept my face clean-shaven even as I let my hair grow long. They thought me a woman, so they used me as they would a woman."  
Tony almost smiled. This was the most that Loki had opened up to him is a while. Then the implications of what Loki had said hit him, and he felt sick. "Oh, Loki..." He didn't know how to make Loki feel okay again. Then he saw the glint of metal in the darkness and looked up, ready to defend Loki. But there was no Thanos coming to retrieve his favorite puppet, no Asgardians looking for another chance to have their way with the frost giant runt. Only Bucky Barnes.  
"Hey there, Buck... uh, how long have you been there?" Tony asked nervously.  
"Long enough."  
"Why are you here?"  
"I heard screaming. I thought someone could be in danger."  
"Well, we're not. You can leave. Bye!" Tony knew he didn't need to tell Bucky not to tell anyone about this. Bucky knew when to keep his mouth shut.  
"No."  
"Excuse me?"  
"No. I can help." Bucky sat down on the bed, motioning for Loki to come to him. The Asgardian obliged, eventually ending up curled up in Bucky's lap. Then, something completely unexpected happened. The Winter Soldier began to sing. And Loki calmed almost instantly, relaxing against Bucky's chest and eventually falling asleep. The soldier then handed Loki back over to Tony. "In the morning... don't tell him I was here. He would be ashamed to have shown such weakness in front of me."  
Tony nodded. "Not a word... but... how did you do that?"  
Bucky just laughed, winking at Tony as he left the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki woke up that morning with little memory of the night before, which was probably for the best. He walked into the living room to see the tower's residents having breakfast together. He sat down on the couch beside Natasha.  
Then he met the eyes of a man he'd hoped he would never have to face again. The cold, accusatory stare of Clint Barton assured the Asgardian that he would not be forgiven any time soon.  
The guilt Loki felt for what he had done settled on his shoulders, the crushing weight of it nearly forcing him to his knees. The guilt and shame somehow became fear, which gripped his heart like an icy hand and soon blossomed into full-blown panic. He did sink to his knees then, and his lungs cried out desperately for the air he couldn't seem to force himself to take in. He stayed there, a trembling mess on the floor, until he felt a hand on his shoulder, and found himself looking into the kind eyes of Steve Rogers.  
"It's okay, Loki," Steve said softly, gently. "Just breathe for me."  
Loki slowly drew in a shaky breath.   
Steve helped the Asgardian to his feet, allowing Loki to lean on him for support, and guided him to the bedroom. He waited patiently for Loki to choose a place to sit. He was a bit surprised when the former Prince of Asgard settled himself on the floor, but he sat down beside him. "What happened, Loki?" he asked softly.  
"I-I... I saw him, and I... it hurts to look at him..."  
"Who?"  
"Clint. After what I did to him... I just... the guilt... it felt like it was crushing me..."  
Steve nodded, beginning to understand. "Loki, when I was a soldier, I had to kill a lot of people."  
Loki thought he knew where this was going. "But the people you killed... they were bad people."  
Steve shook his head. "No. They weren't, and I knew that. That's the point. They weren't evil. They were afraid. Afraid of what would happen to them if they refused to fight. Nazi leaders had ways of getting people to follow orders, Loki." He sighed. "My point is... Thanos used you, like the Nazi leaders used those soldiers. You did what you did because you were afraid, not because you wanted to, just like them. I don't know if Clint will forgive you any time soon. He tends to hold grudges. Hell, he's still mad at Tony for a prank he pulled almost three months ago. But you can at least forgive yourself."  
Loki nodded weakly. He felt safe with Steve. It wasn't the same feeling he got when he was with Tony, but it was still nice. "Thank you, Captain Rogers."  
Steve had to laugh. Loki still addressed them all so formally. He didn't think that habit would die any time soon.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me? Updating consistently? What?  
> Anyway, this chapter contains depictions of self-harm, read at your own risk.  
> The song is These Days by Bon Jovi

After Steve left him alone, Loki just sat there for a while, staring at the wall. Then he slowly got up, going to where he kept his blades. It had been too long since he last felt the cool metal against his skin. He rolled his sleeves up and dragged the blade across his wrist, feeling the blood run down his arm as the blade sliced into his skin, gaining some strange relief from the sensation. He made several more cuts before he heard someone screaming. With a sinking feeling in his chest, he realized that it was Bucky. Bucky, who never spoke above a whisper, was screaming.  
Loki pulled his sleeves down and ran out to the living room. Bucky wasn't screaming anymore. Instead, he was curled up in a ball in the corner, shaking as Steve tried to calm him. Loki somehow knew that he was having a panic attack, like the ones he had. He knelt down beside him and did the only thing he could think of: he sang.   
_"I was walking around_   
_Just a face in the crowd_   
_Tryna keep myself out of the rain_   
_Saw a vagabond king_   
_Wear a Styrofoam crown_   
_Wondered if I might end up the same_   
_There's a man out on the corner_   
_Singing old songs about change_   
_Everybody's got their cross to bear these days_   
_She came looking for some shelter_   
_With a suitcase full of dreams_   
_To a motel room on the boulevard_   
_I guess she's tryna be James Dean_   
_She's seen all the disciples and all the wanna-bes_   
_No one wants to be themselves these days_   
_Still there's nothing to hold on to but these days_   
_These days the stars hang out of reach_   
_These days there ain't a ladder on the streets_   
_Oh, no, no_   
_These days are fast_   
_Nothing lasts_   
_In this graceless age_   
_There ain't nobody left but us these days"_  
Bucky calmed almost instantly at the sound of Loki's voice. The others just stared in shock.  
"I didn't know Loki could sing," Bruce whispered to no one in particular.  
"Neither did I," Tony murmured, still watching them.   
"Loki..." Bucky said softly, with a small smile.  
"James. Are you alright? What happened?"  
"I'm fine, Loki. That just happens sometimes."  
"Okay... I just... I know how it feels..."  
"I know. I know, Loki, and I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish it on anyone." He pulled Loki into a hug, and the Asgardian relaxed into his arms.  
"James?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Nevermind."  
"Okay."


End file.
